Humor Winning Writing > How to Say Goodbye to Winter...

How to Say Goodbye to Winter...

By Kim Pletscher

The first task one must do is make a list of items you have been hankering to buy yourself, but have been too poor to do so because of the large cost of the heating bill. Go ahead, make that list. Don't hold back. Make it as long as you like. YOU HAVE MONEY NOW!!!!

Okay, now, do this with me. Put one foot in front of the other with a little hop to it. That's right let's skip! Let's skip to our thermostats and…oh, let's hum a happy tune too. Now, turn off your heat. I usually give a raspberry too as I turn and skip away.

This next part is really fun, also. Continue skipping as you collect all those Glade plug-ins generously scattered throughout your house used to hide the odor of your stale, pent up house. Take those plug-ins and bulky timed sprays and throw them out. You do not need them anymore. Did they really work anyway?

Next you should open all your windows, letting the crisp new Spring air filter into your house washing you in nature’s bath of fresh air. You remember fresh air, don't you? No? Me either. Let's take a deep breath and sniff in the clean air, shall we? Ahhhh.

I love this part. Ready? Peek out your open window…see that detested snow shovel by your front door? Uh-huh, no longer needed! Go put your flip-flops on and run to that shovel. Now take that snow shovel, hold it up over your head and yell, “No longer will you break my back!”, then bring it down over your knee and snap it in half. No need for that unruly tool anymore. Throw it in your neighbor's yard. No, not the neighbor with the snow blower. You want to keep a friendly relationship with him for next winter. Yes, even if he didn't snow blow your house this year. Let that go and start fresh with him. Maybe bake some cookies for him...all summer long. “Kiss up” are the key words here.

Next you might want to prepare your bird feeders while barricading the squirrels from it. After all, you fed the little grey creatures all winter long with peanuts. Now you'll want to starve them and keep them from your bird feeders. Don't worry, the squirrels are resilient and will be back next winter. You can love them again in a couple of months. It's time to bird watch now!

Feels good, doesn’t it? Let’s turn on the weather station to find out how high the temperature will go today.

….What? Wait a minute…can’t be. A snowstorm headed our way? It's the first day of Spring? NO! Old man winter, you will rue the day you ever snowed on me!

Oh, no, where’s that snow shovel? •

© 2010 Kim Pletscher. All rights reserved.

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