Humor Winning Writing > How to Read a Romance

How to Read a Romance

By Catharine Bramkamp

One time or another a woman is lured to the back of that tiny general store at the beach that sports one revolving rack of books wedged in against the bait freezer and buys a Romance Book.

We are not here to ask the question, to read pink or not? We love the idea that love will solve everything from financial difficulties to bad hair. The question is, where? We don’t see these books out on the street. We don’t see titles named "Love’s Lost Riot of Grief" face down on a beach towel or at Starbucks. Where are these women reading their romances?

Locked in the bathroom while the kids fill the dishwasher with Silly Putty all the while yelling over their shoulders "Don’t worry mom, we’re Okay!"

Romance heroines rarely have children. If the romance heroine does have a child, it’s a she and she has never heard of Silly Putty and probably cannot recant every episode of the Simpson’s since 1993.

In bed while the precious husband (the one you married without the benefit of a single scene in any of the (ahem) many romance novels you’ve read) watches another Discovery Channel special on unlocking the mysteries of African anthills. He invariably interrupts you during the best part of you book to point out how truly gross the termite queen looks during a close up.

Romantic heroes don’t watch TV.

In bed with the flu, while all the children, a few of whom you’ve never met before, rage outside the bedroom door dropping bits of cherry Popsicles and grinding them into the carpet with their stomping feet while your husband is ordering room service from the Four Seasons in New York because he must travel for a trade show and everyone knows how much work those are except you.

At Burger King.

Romance heroines never eat at Burger King. Romance heroines eat at beautiful restaurants none of which offer to supersize any thing on the menu for an additional 35 cents.

At Chuck-E-Cheese with the Cyber-Monsters Little League Team immediately after their first victory of the season, which also happened to be their final game. Search through Chuck E Cheese on any Friday night and there is a woman hiding in the Jet Fighter game, feet on the steering handles reading about love at the spa while studiously ignoring cries of anguish from the next room because someone accidentally threw the team’s lucky baseball into the ball pit.

Surreptitiously. Readers must be hiding their latest Silhouette between the covers of a popular one word book; Outliers, Blink or Twitch.

Most readers know Romances are pure fiction, but that doesn’t diminish the appeal. So grab a book find a corner of the back yard that has not been dug up for a dirt bike track and imagine you’re on the beach in Antigua. In all likelihood, you deserve the fantasy. •

© 2010 Catharine Bramkamp. All rights reserved.

About the Author
Catharine Bramkamp is a Writing Coach and Lecturer. She has published hundreds of newspaper and magazines and a handful of novels. She is an adjunct professor of writing for two colleges. Her current book is "Don't Write Like You Talk." available at your local book store or on Amazon. Discover more at www.YourBookStartsHere.com.

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