Humor Winning Writing > How to Live Well During the Credit Crunch

How to Live Well During the Credit Crunch

By April Schoffstall, wellintentionedindecision.blogspot.com

Firstly, take out as many credit card loans as you can, and buy everything you need to live for the next two years. My sure it is all non-refundable, like clothes and food or small clearance items. If you buy a car or big screen TV you will have to return it. Then file bankruptcy!

Secondly, have as many children as you can. Adopt some, have twins, borrow other people's kids, but get several and take care of them at least 80% of the time. Then go to the welfare office and sign up for food stamps and health assistance. Go to the Energy Assistance office and sign up for that as well. And don't forget Daycare assistance! Oh, and if you adopt some handicapped kids, they will bring in Disability moneys, and foster kids also bring in funds.

Next, let your house completely fall apart. Let the kids tear the doors off the hinges, run their wheelchairs into walls, play baseball in the house, clog the drain with play-dough, anything to create a real problem structurally. Then have your house evaluated and deemed unsafe. Sign up for Habitat for Humanity and have a room built for each kid by volunteers. After you spend your time (in hours) building another house, you will have your own brand new palace built with payments that fit into your budget!

Go stay with relatives when it gets really cold, and use their heat and water for a while. Your kids will get quality time with family, and you'll save on your electric bill!

Finally, send your "kids" to public school and sign up for all the free lunch, free book, clothe-a-child, and shoe-bus programs available. You'd be surprised what gets donated to needy kids in public schools!

After all this you'd be surprised how far your paycheck will go towards the fun things you always wanted. I mean, your food, clothes, daycare, and house are practically free, you get money for the foster and disabled kids, and you are still working! Go shopping! Take a cruise! Save up and buy an Escalade! You deserve it!

Oh and petty theft, especially while on vacation, is great way to get souvenirs, or stock up on things you need; like post-its and propane and candy. •

© 2010 April Schoffstall. All rights reserved.

About the Author
April Schoffstall is a teacher, mother of two, center-brained, imaginative pragmatist; Landlocked, mid-western writer who dreams of seeing the sea. Learn more at wellintentionedindecision.blogspot.com.

2/8/10