Humor Winning Writing > How to Get On the News

How to Get On the News

By April Schoffstall, wellintentionedindecision.blogspot.com

If you happen upon a news-worthy scene, make sure you've got on some old overalls, no shirt, or your worst clothes. Leave your hair uncombed, black out a few teeth, and do NOT wear makeup. Then let yourself be interviewed speaking in a thick hillbilly accent, "I seen the WHOLE thing! I wuz jus' standing over yonder, talkin' to my friend Butch, when this 1/2 ton Ford came outta nowhere!..."

Rob a bank, gas station, or liquor store without a mask. Wave at the camera.

Paint a giant symbol on your roof, visible from satellite, preferably vulgar.

Kidnap a child.

Do unspeakable things to another person.

Kill someone.

Kill someone, then do unspeakable things to them.

Look into the camera lens held by your best buddy and say, "Hey ya'll! Watch this!" Post it on Youtube.

Throw your shoes at the President.

Fly your plane into a tall building, or a mountain.

Steal from the poor. Get caught.

Lose on a reality TV gameshow. In fact, be the jerk on a reality TV gameshow.

Train your pet to do something amazing.

Have your small child dial 911 and pretend it saves your life.

Videotape a tornado or hurricane.

Demand child support from a famous person for your secret lovechild.

Pretend your child has gone missing.

Go to the news station as a caterer or special highlight guest, and stumble on set at an inappropriate time.

Put yourself in jail and refuse to leave.

Streak.

Survive a shark attack, being lost in an avalanche, or a horrific accident.

Contribute lots of money to something, like a new hospital wing.

Volunteer and become a spokesperson for that organization.

Run from one side of your country to the other because you feel like running.

Have a baby in a public place, or in your car, or on a plane.

Have multiple births.

Adopt a pet with disabilities. Adopt an exotic pet. Adopt an exotic pet with disabilities.

Work for the news station.

Drive your car into a building.

Play with dynamite and "accidentally" blow something up.

Collect things, like live giraffes or fire trucks, in your yard.

Burn down a building and be interviewed at the scene.

Live to be over 100.

Drop dead in a public place. •

© 2010 April Schoffstall. All rights reserved.

About the Author
April Schoffstall is a teacher, mother of two, center-brained, imaginative pragmatist; Landlocked, mid-western writer who dreams of seeing the sea. Learn more at wellintentionedindecision.blogspot.com.

2/9/10