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#6: Forget What "They" Say

You know yourself better than anyone else.

By Chris Dunmire, CoachingYourCreativity.com

Years ago I had an inside joke with my friend Patrick about the “they” people. Everyone’s heard about the “they” people because they show up at every opportune time in the context of “You know what they say…”:

“They say you shouldn’t swim for an hour after eating.”

“You know what they say about green M&M’s!”

“They say you’re not a real writer until you’ve been published.”

“They say you’re not a true artist unless you can draw realistically.”

“They say crafts are for utilitarian use and don’t equal real artistic expression.”

What else have you heard “they” say? Have you allowed what “they” say to dictate your personal creative adventure?

For our amusement, Patrick and I decided the “they” people were a small collective of self-appointed experts holed up in North Dakota somewhere. How’d “they” end up there? Well, when this group of know-it-all’s decided that “they” knew what was best for the rest of us, they had to hide out somewhere inconspicuous in order to dispense their nuggets of wisdom without having to ante up case-study proof or sound reasoning on why what they said was true. “They” never held press conferences nor sat in front of a panel of challengers. No, “they” just released their opinions into the world expecting others to accept them without question. “They” were having quite the success too.

If you’re about to interject that what “they” say often has a kernel of truth to it or came from a scientific study or was discovered by a professor at UCLA, you’re probably right. But for this creativity-nurturing discussion I’m not focused on the latest cause-and-effect data from a Harvard cholesterol study. I am, however, interested in getting you to think seriously about the opinions you hear about this-or-that and how you allow these opinions to infiltrate your creative life.

“Hello, I’m a Published Author”

A few months ago, I overheard a conversation between two strangers at a brunch event. One woman graciously introduced herself to another woman sitting next to her at the table and when asked what she “did” she quickly responded, “I’m a published author,” and went into her elevator speech about her one published book that was obviously the pride and joy of her life.

I was standing nearby wondering how many writers feel the need to prove themselves to strangers by citing their published status or works as part of their identities. And what of writer’s who have nothing published in a traditional sense, but who find great joy and fulfillment in expressing themselves through letters, private journals, or on public blogs or social web communities? Do they feel compelled to qualify their passions by saying, "I'm not published YET, but I'm working on it!" or are they sufficient in saying, “I’m a writer,” or “I write personal essays on my blog,” until the conversation leads them to revealing more to a genuinely interested party?

Creativity-Squashing Sentiments

I cringe at the potential creative spirit-squashing that takes place when some self-appointed (or well-meaning) know-it-all spouts some rendition of the following to an emerging creative soul:

• “You’re not a real writer until ________ (you’ve been published, you freelance/contract assignments, you have an MFA…).”

• “You’re not a real artist because you ________ (don’t know how to draw, didn’t go to art school, don’t make your own paper for your collages…).”

• “You’re not successful until ________ (you earn enough money to support yourself with your art, you work for yourself, you leave your day-job and do your creative stuff all day long…).”

• “Compared to others, your expressions of creativity ________ (are not worthwhile, are not worth money, are too dark, serious, ugly, silly, whimsical, cartoony, corny…).”

Why do people say these things? Do they think they’re being helpful or encouraging? Is it coming from a place of "I'm-better-than-you" because they've achieved more? What is the real motivation or intention behind their invalidating comments? Is it fear? Jealousy? Self-loathing? Why does it matter so much to them what you do, how you do it, and how you measure your own success? Why do any of us need to stand on our tippy toes to reach a standard of height with a sign next to it that reads, "You can't wear THIS label until you're this tall!"

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© 2008 Chris Dunmire, CoachingYourCreativity.com. All rights reserved. (02/09/08). Please do not duplicate this article elsewhere without my permission.

About the Author
Chris Dunmire is the author of the Dollar Bill Origami Money Plant and driving force behind the popular Creativity Portal Web site. She finds meaning as an artist, humorist, and creativity coach and channels her overactive imagination into multiple containers on display at ChrisDunmire.com.